


a boy for all seasons

by LottieAnna



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Guilt, Infidelity, M/M, Redemption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-10 01:58:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12901518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LottieAnna/pseuds/LottieAnna
Summary: It doesn’t start with Auston, even if it ends with him. Auston doesn’t even enter the story until halfway into one of the middle chapters, a chapter that starts with a random guy, a lot of booze, and a single user bathroom that the two of them had stumbled out of, only to find Auston Matthews waiting in the hall.“Hey,” Auston says, before he sees the guy, or how rumpled Mitch’s clothes are, or the guilt that has to be written plainly on Mitch’s face.





	a boy for all seasons

**Author's Note:**

> please please please if you know anyone tagged in this story, click away. this is a very fictional story and is in no way informed by the real actions of any real people. 
> 
> warnings in the endnotes

Mitch doesn’t love his girlfriend.

He used to; or, he thinks he used to, at least. She’s blonde, sweet, out-of-this-world beautiful, easy to like, and doesn’t ask for too much. She keeps him in check, makes sure they go out when they should and keep up with important dates, and doesn’t expect him to let her interfere with hockey, ever, but she’ll be there in the stands when she can.

He doesn’t love her.

There’s a part of him that thinks – hopes, as fucked up as it is – that she doesn’t love him too, but he’s probably letting himself off the hook.

-

It doesn’t start with Auston, even if it ends with him. Auston doesn’t even enter the story until halfway into one of the middle chapters, a chapter that starts with a random guy, a lot of booze, and a single user bathroom that the two of them had stumbled out of, only to find Auston Matthews waiting in the hall.

“Hey,” Auston says, before he sees the guy, or how rumpled Mitch’s clothes are, or the guilt that has to be written plainly on Mitch’s face.

He sees all that eventually, though.

No one says anything else, and the next day, Auston sits next to him on the plane, a wordless peace offering.

Mitch knows he hasn’t done anything to earn it, but he takes it anyway.

-

It’s only guys, and that’s something Mitch should probably think about.

He should also think about the fact that he wants to curl up on Auston’s chest, bathe in the light of his smile, live in a world that’s just the two of them.

But Mitch has a girlfriend he doesn’t love, and a team he does, and too many things in this world he doesn’t deserve. He’s not selfish enough to ask for more.

-

“If you cheat on someone, is it better to tell them, or just break up with them?”

Marty pauses, his fork halfway to his mouth, and stares at Mitch for a long time.

“I’ve never cheated on someone,” he says finally.

“I didn’t think you had,” Mitch says.

“I didn’t think you had, either,” Marty says.

Mitch winces. “It’s a fucked up thing to do.”

“So why do it?”

He purses his lips. “Guess I’m just a fucked up person.”

“That’s bullshit,” Marty says. “Look, was it just one time? Or one girl?”

“It was more than once,” Mitch says. “And more than one – yeah.”

Marty looks at Mitch like he’s never looked at him before. Kind of like he’s a monster. Maybe like he’s disgusted. Mitch is disgusting, probably, and a monster, but he doesn’t dwell on that too much.

“I’m sorry, but I just – I don’t get it,” Marty says.

“I mean,” Mitch shrugs. “It’s a fucked up thing to do.”

“And you never got caught?”

“Matts has seen it,” Mitch says. “A few times.”

“What’d he have to say?” Marty asks.

“Not much.”

-

A few times is an understatement.

Or – no. Mitch doesn’t know what does and doesn’t count as cheating, except that letting random guys blow him definitely counts as cheating, but it gets kinda murky when he thinks about the times he’ll talk to other guys, dance with them, touch them in front of Auston, _for_ Auston, because Auston likes to watch it happen.

It’s not–

They don’t talk about it, but Mitch knows he does, because they’ll make eye contact, usually, this weird, silent power struggle where Mitch doesn’t know who’s putting on what kind of show.

It’s fucked up. Mitch is fucked up, and Auston’s maybe a little fucked up too, but Auston and his girl have an arrangement, where they get to fuck around on each other, so maybe it’s okay for him to be fucked up.

Mitch isn’t the savior of the hockey world who wears strange clothing and dates girls in sunny, faraway places. Mitch is a good Ontario boy with a lovely blonde Ontario girlfriend. He’s pretty much everything they expect him to be, except for how he doesn’t love his girlfriend and sometimes feels more guilty about Auston than he does about her.

So, Auston’s caught him a few times.

-

“You haven’t told her,” Marty says.

Mitch shakes his head. “It’s hard.”

Marty gives him a look that’s not mad, just disappointed, and Mitch would tease him for being such a dad if it was a different situation.

-

Another thing, with Auston:

Mitch is fucking a guy in a bathroom stall, and there’s a knock on the door.

“Occupied,” Mitch grunts out, barely thinking. The guy laughs, and it turns into a moan.

The voice on the other side of the door says, “Whatever, just hurry up.”

It’s Auston’s voice. There are no footsteps, and Mitch is pretty sure Auston knows it’s Mitch in here. Mitch is pretty sure Auston’s listening.

Mitch comes harder than he’s ever come in his life. and he’s not quiet about it.

Afterwards, the guy ducks out, mildly amused, and he clearly has no idea who either of them is, thank god. Auston’s hunched over the sink, washing his hands, and Mitch probably shouldn’t say anything, but Mitch does a lot of things he probably shouldn’t do.

“Stall’s yours,” Mitch says.

“Thanks,” Auston says.

When he turns around, Mitch can see that the tops of his cheeks are red, and once he’s in the stall, Mitch spends a long time washing his hands.

-

Mitch doesn’t love her, but he cries when she breaks up with him.

“We’re both just really busy,” she says.

“I know,” Mitch says. He’s angry, he’s guilty, he’s a fucking hypocrite. “Still fucking sucks.”

“I’m sorry,” she says, pleading, her eyes wide and sad.

Mitch wants to tell her that she should be, that this fucking sucks, that he’s managed to fuck his way through how much he doesn’t care about this relationship without ending it on his own time, but he doesn’t, because that would be cruel.

“It’ll be okay,” he says. “We’ll be okay.”

“No, we won’t,” she says, but leans against him.

He holds her in his arms, for a bit, lets her cry, then he cries some more.

Maybe he was wrong, about not loving her; he’s known her a long time, and he cares about her a whole fucking lot. She’s an old friend, and Mitch feels bad that he ever had the power to break her heart.

But even as they cry, Mitch can’t help but feel relieved.

-

“I didn’t tell her,” Mitch says to Marty. “She dumped me before I could.”

“Oh,” Marty says. “Oh, kid, I’m sorry.”

“I kinda deserve it.”

“Maybe,” Marty says. “But I guess things were already headed downhill.”

“I should’ve–” Mitch sighs, rubs a hand over his face. “She was too good for me.”

“Probably.”

“I didn’t want her,” Mitch says. “I had her, I didn’t deserve her, and I still didn’t want her.”

“Then why were you with her?” Marty asks.

Mitch turns away. “I don’t really like what I do want, I guess.”

There’s a long stretch of silence, and then: “You fucked up, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to get what you want.”

Mitch doesn’t know if Marty gets it, but. It’s something.

-

“I heard you and–” Auston gulps. “Sorry.”

Mitch shrugs. “It was a long time coming.”

“If you say so,” Auston says. “Wanna come over later?”

“You wanna cheer me up?”

“Something like that.”

Mitch is just… tired. “Sure,” he says, pasting on a smile.

-

He’s not sure what he’s expecting.

He figures they might have sex, probably the no-kissing, no-looking kind of thing guys like them do, except they don’t, they just play CoD, and watch a movie, and Auston falls asleep on Mitch’s chest, warm and heavy.

It’s sweet, and Mitch smiles. There’s a clarity to it.

-

The next time they go out, it’s Auston who flirts as Mitch stares, Auston who takes a girl back to the hotel, and Auston who texts Mitch well after midnight to come over.

“Here I thought I was walking into a threesome,” Mitch says.

“Sorry to disappoint,” Auston says. He doesn’t look like he’s been having sex, but the sheets are rumpled and smell like perfume.

“So,” Mitch says, “What am I here for?”

Auston shrugs. “You don’t like girls, do you.”

Mitch tenses up. “I could,” he says.

“But you don’t.”

“Not really, no,” Mitch says. “You do, evidently.”

“Sometimes,” Auston says.  

“How often is sometimes?” Mitch asks.

“Not that often,” Auston says. “Tonight was a special occasion.”

“You have weird ways of bragging about sex,” Mitch says.

“I’m not bragging,” Auston says. “She asked about you, y’know.”

“What?”

“She wanted both of us,” Auston says.

“So it could’ve been a threesome,” Mitch says. His heart is doing something big in his chest.

“But you don’t like girls,” Auston says.

Mitch thinks that he could fuck a girl if Auston were there, but that’s not something he’s going to say out loud. “That’s not why I got dumped, you know.”

“It’s not?” Auston asks.

Mitch shakes his head. “She doesn’t know. About any of it.”

“You mean about–” Auston starts, but he cuts himself off.

“That thing,” Mitch says. “That we don’t talk about.”

“The thing you haven’t done since you guys broke up,” Auston says.

“Can’t cheat on someone once they’ve dumped you,” Mitch says, and the words sit there for a second, heavy and ugly.

“So you just hooked up because you wanted to cheat on her,” Auston says. Mitch can’t read his voice.

“Not really,” Mitch says. “I did it because – I dunno, whatever, I’m pretty sure this isn’t the kind of thing I get to make excuses for.”

“I wasn’t the one you cheated on,” Auston says. “You can explain it, that’s not the same as making excuses.”

“I didn’t think it counted, at first,” Mitch says. “And when I realized it did, I just – I wanted to feel worse.”

“Oh,” Auston says. “You deserve to feel good.”

Mitch doesn’t believe it, but he doesn’t want to argue that point, so he just shrugs.

-

“I hate that I was the kind of person who could do that,” Mitch tells Marty.

“We all do fucked-up things,” Marty says. “Make the amends you need to, I guess, and move on.”

“If it wouldn’t mess her up, I’d tell her,” Mitch says. “I don’t think I’d want to know, though.”

“Sounds like there’s no right answer to it, but you’re a good kid. You’ll figure it out.” He ruffles Mitch’s hair.

-

“I trust you a lot,” Auston says, not looking away from the basketball game playing on the TV.

“Really?” Mitch asks. “That’s–”

“A bad idea,” Auston finishes. He shrugs. “But I do.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Mitch asks.

“Because you’re probably gonna break my heart someday,” Auston says. “I’ll be okay, though.”

Mitch just stares at him. “What makes you say that?”

“That I’ll be okay?”

“That I’ll break your heart someday.”

“You’re kind of a heartbreaker,” Auston says. “You give off too nice of a vibe.”

“I try to be nice,” Mitch says.

“I know,” Auston says. “That’s why you haven’t kissed me yet.”

Mitch doesn't know how to respond to that, so he just stays silent.

-

“I think I’m gay,” he says in the middle of the night, calling a number he hasn’t dialed in weeks.

“Hey,” she says. “Hi, uh. What?”

“I’m gay,” he repeats. The words feel weird in his mouth, but they could feel right, someday.

“That’s – okay,” she says. “That’s good. Uh, congratulations?”

“I’m sorry I was a shitty boyfriend,” he says.

“You weren’t–”

“I was,” he says. “I didn’t talk to you about shit, or listen, really – I’m sorry. Don’t be, like, reassuring, or whatever. I just want you to know that you deserve better.”

“Okay,” she says. “Um, thanks.”

“No problem,” he says. “And – I’m still here if you need me, y’know? As a friend.”

“I am too,” she says. “I have class in the morning, though.”

“Right, yeah,” he says. “Go to sleep.”

“You too,” she says. “You had a game tonight, aren’t you tired?”

“You watched?” he asks.

“Duh,” she says.

He doesn’t know why that feels like closure, but it does.

-

“You could break my heart too,” Mitch says. “Just so you know.”

Auston considers it for a second. “Maybe."

“Not maybe,” Mitch says. “You could.”

“Is that why you haven’t kissed me yet, then?” Auston asks.

“Probably,” Mitch says. “I don’t know how to just kiss you, though.”

“Are you asking me to kiss you?” Auston asks.

“No,” Mitch says. “What’s the deal with you and your girl?”

Auston looks taken aback. “That’s – she’s not my girl.”

“Then what is she?”

“An old friend,” Auston says. “We sometimes hook up, and she gets more likes when we post pictures together, so.”

“I don’t think I could do, like, an open thing,” Mitch says. “Or just – a buddies thing, y’know? But I’m pretty sure I don’t get to just, like, say that.”

“Why not?” Auston asks.

“Because I’m kind of fucked up. What kind of person cheats on someone then gets to say that they want, like, commitment and monogamy?”

“You can’t control what you want,” Auston says.

“But, like, I can’t even _say_ what I want,” Mitch says.

“Like, you don’t know what it is?”

“No, it’s – I can handle fucking guys, and being into guys, but saying, like, ‘I’m gay,’ or ‘I want a boyfriend’ – that shit is hard.”

“You said it just now,” Auston points out.

“I guess, but – I could kiss you right now, and it’d be great, but I still want, like, more than that, and I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve it, and that’s what I meant when I said I don’t know how to just kiss you,” Mitch says, feeling a little too calm, considering he’s pretty much laying himself bare.

“Oh,” Auston says, and then, “I don’t know whether you deserve it either.”

Mitch brushes off the way that stings. “Yeah.”

“I’d still give it to you anyway,” Auston says. “For what it’s worth.”

“Why?” Mitch asks.

“It’s not just for your benefit,” Auston says, and then he gets up off the couch. “I’m hungry. Wanna go to McDonald’s? I’ll pay.”

Mitch stands up. “If you’re paying, I’m getting extra fries.”  

“Get a McFlurry too,” Auston says, with a very small smile. “You can get anything on the menu.”

Mitch squints at him. “Wait, is this a date?”

“A little bit, yeah,” Auston says. “If you want it to be.”

“Do you trust me enough to date me?” Mitch asks.

“Maybe,” Auston says. “I definitely trust you enough for one date.”

“Fair enough,” Mitch says.

-

Mitch wants to wait until they’re back at Auston’s place to kiss him, but he loses his patience and does it in the car.

Neither of them can stop smiling afterwards.

-

“I’m seeing someone,” Mitch tells Marty. “A guy. Don’t tell anyone.”

“Okay,” Marty says. “Am I the only one who knows?”

“It’s Matts.”

“Matts knows?”

“Matts is who I’m seeing,” Mitch says.

Marty looks at him. “You’re dating Auston Matthews.”

“Yes,” Mitch says.

“Oh,” Marty says.

“He’s great,” Mitch says. “Really great.”

“Good,” Marty says, smiling. “Let yourself enjoy this, alright?”

“What, the beginning?” Mitch asks.

“All of it,” Marty says. “The part where you’re dating your best friend.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m way too lucky,” Mitch says.

“That’s just how it feels,” Marty says. “It’s not luck, you make him happy.”

“Guess that’s the part that counts,” Mitch says.

-

“I feel like I always fall for people too fast,” Auston says.

“Would it be cheesy to say that I’ll always be here to catch you?” Mitch says.

“Cheesy’s fine,” Auston says. “Are you sure about us?”

“As sure as I can be,” Mitch says, honest.

“How sure is that?” Auston asks.

“I’m sure I want you to be happy,” Mitch says. “And I’m sure that you make me happy.”

“We’ve seen each other do some fucked up shit,” Auston says.

“Yeah,” Mitch says. “Things were lonelier, before.”

“I don’t want you to feel lonely,” Auston says. “Never have, never will.”

“You too,” Mitch says, smiling.

-

The sex is mediocre, at first, and then it gets a little better, and then it gets really, really good.

-

“We had a fight,” Mitch says to Marty over the phone.

“Are you okay?” Marty asks. “Is everything–”

“It’s fine, I just came in here to cool off,” Mitch says. “I’m probably going to apologize for being a jackass – it’s just. We’re not gonna break up over one fight.”

“You’re not.” Marty’s trying to sound soothing, which means he’s not getting Mitch’s point.

“I don’t – like, I’m sure of it,” Mitch says. “I can’t picture breaking up with him.”

“That’s good,” Marty says.

“I don’t want to hurt him,” Mitch says. “I really don’t. Ever, at all, and just – it’s a lot.”

“Then don’t hurt him, it’ll be okay,” Marty says.

-

“I think we feel too much like forever,” Mitch says, playing with Auston’s hair. “It’s kind of fucked up. I don’t think I’m scared enough.”

“I’m sorry,” Auston says, not really meaning it.

“It should be too late for me,” Mitch says. “I’m a lost cause. Damaged goods.”

“You’re my damaged goods,” Auston says, then presses a kiss to Mitch’s thigh, because it’s there. “Also, you’re not damaged goods. You’re a person.”

“I’m your person,” Mitch says.

“I don’t think you’re going to break my heart,” Auston says. “I think I was wrong about that.”

-

Mitch isn’t naive. He doesn’t forgive and forget, just moves forward, thinks about it, learns from it, grows. Absolution is bullshit, probably, for something like that.

Someday, Mitch might fall out of love with Auston. He is starting to trust himself to disentangle their hearts gently if he does.

 

**Author's Note:**

> the girl in the story fits the four things i know about mitch marner's real-life girlfriend, but she is intended to be an anonymous ofc. mitch cheats on her, and she breaks up with him, but she never finds out he cheated on her. also, there is some semi-public sex and voyeurism. and a lot of guilt. maybe some forgiveness, depending on how you read it. definitely a happy ending though.
> 
> eta (12/29/18): taking this off anon over a year later because this just got a comment which reminded me of its existence. i was definitely in a lot of pain and dealing with the urge to sabotage every positive relationship in my life, and this fic was a big part of how i channeled that. thanks to everyone who read and commented on this <3


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